


I'll Be Good

by soft_punk_aesthetic



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Heavy Angst, M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-25
Updated: 2018-02-25
Packaged: 2019-03-23 23:11:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13798317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soft_punk_aesthetic/pseuds/soft_punk_aesthetic
Summary: Baz promised himself he would protect Simon. He just didn't want it to come to this.(Also posted this on ff.n)





	I'll Be Good

_I thought I saw the devil_

_This morning_

_Looking in the mirror_

* * *

He regretted the words the instant they'd left his mouth. Spewed in a heated moment, a fit of rage.

Of all the mistakes Baz has made, this, _this moment_ , he regretted the most.

He can still see the look of pain, the flash of hurt in his lover's eyes. Blue eyes, like the sky after the storm has cleared, bringing light.

* * *

_Drop of rum on my tongue_

_With a warning_

_To help me see myself clearer_

* * *

In that moment, those blue eyes were like a tsunami of emotion, swirling with so much pain and _Baz did this_.

The vampire stared down at the churning water below him, contemplating. He always knew he was toxic, that Simon should've left him early on in this relationship.

A pair of bright blue eyes flashed across his mind, full of love for him, sincerity. Baz allowed himself to drown in the memories.

" _You're not a monster, Baz," Simon said. His eyes were smiling, but his expression was firm. "You're as much of a monster as I am." Baz gave him an incredulous look. "Simon, you could never be monster. You're full of life. You're beautiful." Simon smirked to his boyfriend, his best friend, his ex-nemesis. "Exactly."_

But Simon, beautiful, lively, selfless Simon, had been wrong. After their first kiss Baz had sworn to protect Simon. And he was a monster, and a liar.

Because what he needed to protect Simon from was himself.

And Baz was selfish enough to think he'd keep Simon safe.

* * *

_I never meant to start a fire_

* * *

It had been a pointless argument, really. But somehow it had escalated into something worse ( _so much worse_ ).

_*Flashback*_

" _Where are you going?" Simon mumbled sleepily, watching as his lover changed. It was well past midnight._

" _Out." Was Baz's only reply before stalking from the room._

_Simon sighed, getting out of bed. This was the fourth time in a week Baz had been leaving in the middle of the night without explanation._

_To be fair, Baz had good reasons for not telling Simon. He knew the curly haired boy would object to his actions if he knew how dangerous this was._

_But he could see how hard Simon was taking the loss of his magic. And he'd be damned if he let Simon be sad any longer._

" _You can at least tell me where you're bloody going." Simon said, crossing his arms. He had a sneaking suspicion, but he would never suggest it because Baz knew better than to do something so foolish._

" _Crowley, Snow, I am my own person." Baz snapped._

_Simon glared, trying to keep his temper at bay. The shorter boy took a deep breath, staring at the back of Baz's head. He never wanted to assume this, but it was the only viable explanation (He refused to even think about the other possible option.)_

_His next words made Baz freeze._

" _If you're with someone else, just go. I'm not forcing you to stay with me if you're unhappy Baz."_

_Immediately he wished he had told Simon everything from the beginning. _

* * *

_I never meant to make you bleed._

* * *

" _Simon you know I could never do that to you."_

" _Then what else could it be, Baz! Because there's only one other option and there is no way you could be that stupid!"_

* * *

_I'll be a better man today._

* * *

" _Is it stupid for me to want you to be happy!"_

" _I am happy Baz!"_

" _I can see how it hurts you Simon, I know you miss your magic!"_

_Simon stepped forward, gripping Baz's arm, eyes frantic, pleading._

" _I need_ _ **you**_ _more than any bloody magic Baz."_

_He almost gave in, right then._

" _We both know you want your magic back."_

_Simon squeezed his eyes shut, releasing Baz's arm._

" _Fine. Get yourself killed. But this isn't worth it."_

_Baz's temper flared._

" _What would you know about being worth while,_

* * *

_My past has tasted bitter, for years now_

* * *

The next part makes tears slip from his eyes, dropping into the water.

* * *

_So I wield an iron fist,_

_Grace is just weakness,_

* * *

" _ **You were abandoned on the steps of an orphanage."**_

* * *

_Or so I've been told_

_I've been cold_

_I've been merciless_

* * *

_Simon froze_

_Baz was horrified at himself_

* * *

_But the blood on my hands,_

_Scares me to death_

* * *

_Baz reached for Simon, and yanked his hand back when Simon flinched._

* * *

_Maybe I'm waking up_

_Today_

* * *

_Simon shook the words off, knowing Baz hadn't been thinking._

_He stepped forward again as Baz stepped back._

_The vampire gave a bitter smile, but Simon saw it in those grey eyes he loved so much._

* * *

_For all of the light that I've shut out,_

* * *

_The regret._

_The hurt._

_The sadness._

* * *

_All of the innocent things that I doubt_

* * *

_But none of those things measured up to the most prominent emotion in him._

* * *

_For all of the bruises I've caused and the tears_

* * *

_**Self-loathing.** _

* * *

_For all of the things that I've done_

* * *

" _I've always told you I was a_ _ **monster**_ _, Snow." Baz spit the word out, emphasised with self-hatred._

_Bas ran from their flat, knowing he could never go back, because he hurt_ _**Simon** _ _._

_And he would rather die than let Simon live with a monster._

_A monster who would hurt him._

* * *

_All these years._

* * *

_Because Baz had promised himself to protect Simon from anything that could hurt him._

* * *

_For all of the sparks that I put out_

* * *

Baz opened his eyes, the tears pouring out, being masked by the newly falling rain.

He should've died in that fire he'd set at the side of the road.

But Simon Snow refused to let him die.

* * *

_For all of the perfect things that I doubt_

* * *

Simon was sprinting, wishing now more than ever he hadn't had the surgery to remove his wings and tail. It was hard to see through the rain, but he had to find Baz.

Yeah, his words had hurt, why the hell wouldn't they have.

But there was only one other time, in the two years they'd been together, that Simon had seen so much self-hatred inside of Baz.

When he tried to burn himself alive by the side of an abandoned road.

Simon almost sighed in relief when he recognized the figure standing a few yards ahead of him, but his breath caught when he saw how close Baz was to the edge of the bridge.

His feet moved faster than he thought possible, his mouth opening to scream a name.

"Baz!"

* * *

_I'll be good, I'll be good_

* * *

The black haired boy turned, seeing his boyfriend sprinting toward him.

But Simon Snow couldn't save him, not this time.

Not if he wanted to be safe.

He had already hurt Simon before, and if this morning was any consolation, he would do it again.

Because Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch was a monster.

It was all he would ever be.

He shuffled closer to the edge, and he heard Simon's footsteps get faster.

His voice grew more desperate.

"Baz!"

He turned to look at Simon.

* * *

_For all of the times_

* * *

"I'm sorry, Simon Snow."

He turned back around.

" _Baz!_ "

* * *

_That I never could_

* * *

And he let himself fall.

" _BAZ!"_

**Author's Note:**

> Song- "I'll Be Good" by Jaymes Young aka the only song to ever make me cry bc relatable and also sNoWbAZ


End file.
